What mothers need

Recently I had the pleasure of spending time with N and her four month old son. He is a very active boy, always looking around to keep up on his surroundings, jumping when held in a standing position and wiggling as he drinks his bottle. He loves to experiment with his vocal range too, making very loud droning sounds as he contentedly rides in his mother’s arms. N is very attuned to him and his needs and I delighted in watching a very tender but fun interaction take place as he lay in front of her after the massage, his eyes glued to her as she tickled and caressed him and laughed with him. I could tell that neither one of them wanted to end the moment. Without thinking, I just blurted out “You are such a good mother” and was immediately surprised by her reaction. She stopped the play, looked at me and became teary as she explained that she grew up in a less-than-perfect household with discord and stress a part of her every day life. She missed out on nurturing and she wants to make sure her son receives lots of love and touch from her. She thanked me for telling her she is doing a good job because it is of utmost importance that she give her son what she missed. But additionally I think it just felt good to hear some positive feedback and receive a pat on the back. As I have often realized over the years, no one tells mothers that they are doing a good job. Their job performance is evaluated by their child’s behavior as the years pass and we all know that our kids don’t always work to make sure we look good as mothers! Maybe it’s time for mothers to help each other and make sure we tell each other what good mothers we are. I know that reassurance will be part of my practice from now on as I visit with moms as part of the massage instruction. Obviously, if they are willing to invest the time and energy to massage their children and give their little ones the far-reaching and lifelong benefits of loving touch, they must be great moms!

Humbled…

Last weekend I had one of those experiences that causes you to evaluate yourself in comparison to others even as you know you will come up short. The Kids Consortium, a network of social service agencies that work with foster children in the Phoenix area, sponsored a blitz training for foster and adoptive parents so they could receive six hours of training in one day. Toesies to Nosies provided infant massage instruction. I taught two classes of twenty parents each. Before each class started I asked every person for an introduction and recap of their experience as a foster parent. The stories really touched my heart. Every person who came to my class was motivated by a desire to help a child and improve a child’s life. Many of the children for whom they provide loving care have serious issues as a result of abuse, deprivation, neglect or drugs. These parents welcome the children into their homes at great financial, physical and emotional expense to themselves. The result is that they save the lives of these medically and emotionally fragile children with their love and good intentions. My immediate reaction to hearing the stories, complete with the painful details, was humility and gratitude. Humility that came from knowing that I would never have the strength that these people have to tackle such a challenge and gratitude that there are such people in the world who have such depths of love for children. I felt privileged to provide these parents with another tool, massage, with which they can continue to love and support their foster children.

Evening at Moonbeams

I was very happy for the chance to finally address a group of parents as part of the Wellness Seminars offered by Moonbeams, a baby boutique in Scottsdale. Karen, the owner, and her sister Maureen do a great job of bringing the latest information to parents and I was excited to be talking about infant massage. A large number replied that they were coming, about 22 parents, expectant parents, and grandparents. The store is not overly large so I was a bit concerned about how to handle such a large class in a small space but thought that rarely do all the people who reply affirmatively actually show up. I, along with Karen and Maureeen, were then very surprised as people kept arriving until we had a very full house with 100% turnout! There seemed to be SO many babies. Luckily most were in a very good mood and responded very well to their first massage. I hope everyone enjoyed the instruction as much as I did. I had a ball! I LOVE teaching so many wonderfully receptive parents and I hope I was able to impart to them an adequate appreciation for why massage is so important for our children. I want to add, as well, that Karen and Maureen are fabulous people with whom to work. Both have large hearts. Their creativity and beautiful style sense are obvious throughout the store and they offer a very personal shopping experience. Treat yourself to a lovely experience at Moonbeams.

Not Such a Bad Flight

Several years ago, I traveled from Phoenix to Philadelphia with my daughter and three grandchildren ages four, two and twenty months. I could have flown on another day but my daughter, even at age twenty-seven, could still play on my maternal sympathies and had beseeched me to accompany her as back-up. Nothing about the trip was going to be easy. Our flight left at 7:00 AM which meant we had to leave the house by 5:00 which meant we had to get the kids up- out of a sound sleep- by 4:30. We knew it was going to be a long 4.5 hour flight and an even longer day, but my daughter was prepared. She assured me that she had packed plenty of snacks and lots of toys to keep everyone fed and occupied during the trip. I remember the faces of the other passengers as we guided the three children down the aisle of the plane. Each expression seemed to say “please, not this row” and then after we passed that particular row, there was a collective sigh of relief. Or maybe I imagined that part. But our intentions were good. With the ratio of two adults for three children and armed with a bag of distractions we thought we would survive the flight and not bother our fellow passengers. Our hopes were quickly dashed as we reached the end of the first half-hour of the flight. After just thirty minutes all three children had exhausted their supply of treats and amusements and we were left with four hours and no tricks up our sleeves.  All three children started crying- loudly- and, as I glanced at my daughter, I saw panic in her face, an expression that said, “What do we do now?” Luckily, all three children had enjoyed massage since birth. Over a period of time children become conditioned to touch so that as soon as they feel loving touch/massage begin on any part of their body, they relax without having to experience all the strokes. Through repetition their body anticipates the reaction even before the massage begins. One by one I took a child into my lap. Aidan, the oldest, loves to have his ears massaged. A few minutes of me rubbing his ears and he was asleep. Niamh, the next oldest, loves a hand massage. She too fell asleep within minutes. Finally, Lily, the baby, fell asleep as I massaged her feet. My daughter and I (and all our fellow passengers) were able to enjoy an hour of peace as the kiddos slumbered and then a peaceful remainder of the flight with rested children. I wish I had my Toesies to Nosies business cards to hand out that day!

Melvin and Mom

As part of our Toesies to Nosies mission to spread the word about infant massage so every baby can be afforded the benefits of loving touch, we work with the IRC (International Rescue Committee) at their pre- and postnatal clinic at St Joseph’s Hospital. The IRC is a refugee resettlement agency that works with the State Department and the United Nations to help refugees settle in the United States. The newly arrived families come from countries all over the world but recently most are arriving from Bhutan, Burma, Iraq, Somalia, Congo and Burundi. The courage of these people astounds me. All have fled their homelands because of religious or civil persecution and many have left behind parents, siblings and sometimes even spouses and adult children. Many have lived in refugee camps for most of their lives, with poor diets , no plumbing or jobs and minimal educational opportunities. Most do not speak English and have to learn how to navigate, literally and figuratively, while learning to speak a new language and find a job as well. But the one comment they all make is that they are excited to be living in peace where their children can get an education. They are inspirational.
But the arrival of a new baby is the same no matter what the culture or circumstances; there is the same mixture of joy, pride, fear, exhaustion and hope. As with babies everywhere, these children of newly-arrived refugees are so perfectly sweet and are filled with so much promise of greatness. My goal is to help the parents fulfill that potential by connecting with their child through loving touch so that the child, and they, can enjoy the very deepest attachment and security.
On this day, I am visiting a Burmese mother with her tiny one-week-old baby boy who owns a big American name of “Melvin”. This mother is Chin, one of three ethnic groups in Burma, and our translator speaks another Burmese dialect so our communication is difficult. When we knock , the mother opens the door with her other child, a tiny two year old boy, wrapped around her legs looking at us shyly with big questioning eyes. The apartment is small and adequately furnished, with beds being used for seating in the living room. The newborn baby is beautiful. Despite the diminutive size of the mother, he weighed 7.8 lbs at birth and is darling with his full head of dark hair. He lies quietly on the bed, looking around placidly. A perfect time to start his first massage!
Usually we give private instruction in two lessons of ninety minutes each. I have found that most people do not understand exactly how massage benefits the baby or them so I spend quite a bit of time discussing that. Once they understand the physical and emotional benefits they are always anxious to add it to their daily routine. Also, I have learned that parents like repetition; they like to spend time practicing the strokes repeatedly so they feel more confident once they get home that they know the protocol. But today we have only one hour to instruct and no way to communicate verbally so I want to make sure she can see her baby’s reassuring reaction. I do several strokes at a time and Mom imitates me. She takes to the strokes very readily and confidently and Melvin does not disappoint! He steadily gazes up at her and completely relaxes his limbs. He is too young to smile but it’s very obvious that he totally enjoys his first massage and we are able to massage his entire body before he just gives out and needs to sleep. Mom smiles and is pleased with his reaction to her loving strokes.
The lives of these families are not easy and certainly they will struggle for years to come. My hope is that with massage, both baby and parent will benefit. For the mother who has so many challenges, this time she spends massaging her baby will give her moments of relaxation and help her stress levels to lower. Hopefully it will be a practice that both find so enjoyable that she will continue to massage him throughout his childhood. Her loving touch of her baby will provide Melvin with that security and attachment that are essential for healthy development of his brain. Also, studies show that children who enjoy loving touch throughout their childhood are better able to focus in school and achieve. Studies also show that children who grow up familiar with loving touch are more confident, compassionate, and cooperative adults. These parents, like parents everywhere, have big dreams for their children. I hope that through massage I have given them a tool to help them realize their aspirations.

Georgie and Bum

My two-year-old granddaughter calls me “Bum”. I don’t know how “Gram” became “Bum” but I’ll take it since it has been her special name for me since she learned to talk. In fact, now when she imitates her cousins by calling me Gram as they do, I quickly correct her. I hope I will always be Bum to her. She and I have a very close relationship and there are times when Mommy isn’t around (and sometimes when Mommy is around) that she needs me for comfort. I don’t take that connection for granted but treasure it and I know exactly why we are so close. Since she was born I have massaged her. So many times she has laid on our makeshift changing table in the laundry room while I stroked her, starting at her legs and continuing to her chest, arms, back, face and ears. She and I have sung our crazy songs together, recited silly rhymes, talked about all the things important to a baby, and looked into each others’ eyes while I stroked, rubbed, stretched, bent and, most importantly, loved. She heard the love as I spoke, saw the love as I gazed into her eyes and felt the love through my hands as I made her body feel relaxed and supple.  And I am only the grandmother. How wonderful does it feel to her when her parents do the same thing? How secure must she feel to have her senses of sight, hearing and touch saturated by love?

That security that my granddaughter enjoys, the strength of the bond with her parents (and grandparents) is not something to dismiss lightly. With the advent of better means of brain scans researchers are learning more and more about the connection between neuroscience and emotional development. In other words, the baby’s emotional state and that sense of security or “attachment” play a major role in how a baby’s brain develops. Additionally, how the brain develops in the infant as a result of the strength of the bond between baby and caregiver directly impacts that child’s mental and physical well-being into the adult years. Dr Allan Schore, UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, says “at the most fundamental level, attachment experiences with a sensitive primary caregiver promote brain development, specifically of the right brain, which for the rest of the life span is dominant for emotional functions, nonverbal communication, the regulation of bodily states, stress, empathy, intuition and indeed survival”.

From the last trimester of pregnancy until around age two, there is an explosion of growth in the brain of a child as the synapses, dendrites, axons and myelin form. Trillions of connections are happening during this critical period of emotional and social development in the right brain that are experience-based. Neurobiology clearly shows that right brain maturation is impacted, for better or worse, by relational experiences. A baby is born with no frame of reference; he has no way to understand the world around him without the influence of the primary caregiver, usually the mother. If that primary caregiver is physically and emotionally available and responsive then the baby develops a sense of security and trust that leads to secure attachment and emotional regulation. If, however, the baby does not have his emotional and physical needs met, then the brain goes into the stress mode, a “fight or flight” mode which permits only what is necessary for survival, not brain development during a critical time of what should be maximum brain growth. Sometimes those moments are brief and sometimes, sadly, those moments when a baby feels abandoned and unable to function last all too long. Those are the children who feel insecure and untethered, who fail to thrive, and who withdraw into their own world.

The social and emotional development of a child, then, has everything to do with sensitive and attuned interactions between the child and the caregiver to create feelings of security in the child and permit regulation of the nervous system so that important regulatory centers of the brain can mature. The stronger the attachment between child and caregiver, the more optimal the development of the right hemisphere of the brain where emotions, feelings, and instinctual responses are centered.

This is where massage comes into play. No other practice except nursing provides such an intense and intentional bonding experience. All mothers receive instruction on how to nurse their babies; I hope in the future that hospitals and ob’s will include infant massage instruction as part of the standard pre-or post-natal instruction.

Introduction to Toesies to Nosies Infant Massage Instruction

I know something that I want to share with the world: massaging your baby can change your life and theirs. I know that statement sounds simplistic, extreme and exaggerated. If something so simple could do so much good, then why is massage not a common practice among families? The only answer I can surmise is that people just don’t yet know how good loving therapeutic touch feels to a child and how incredibly beneficial it is for a baby. When parents know, they incorporate massage into their daily lives. When I was raising my own children I knew to love and rub and cuddle but I had never heard of massage for babies. But now I know; I have seen the benefits firsthand and have read the research. Teaching people how to massage their children and, just as importantly, why to massage them has become my focus. It is for that purpose that I founded Toesies to Nosies Infant Massage Instruction.

The purpose of this blog is not to chronicle my daily life.  My intention in writing this is to educate people about infant/child massage. I will provide findings from research groups, both solutions and problems, relating to children and concerning bonding, attachment, physical and emotional ailments and massage. I will recount stories about the people with whom I share massage. Inevitably, some of my frustration with my inability to connect with enough people to get my message across might creep in but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum. Really, my message is such an easy and sweet one, i.e. let’s touch our children more often and add  therapeutic loving touch to our/their daily lives.

Mission Statement: To teach caregivers to appreciate the beauty and necessity of loving touch massage so that all children, regardless of their background, will experience the physical and emotional benefits of nurturing touch and grow to be adults who are confident, compassionate and comfortable in sharing their own loving touch so that the cycle can continue.